On Friendship

In C.S. Lewis’s chapter on Friendship in The Four Loves, he states that “few value [friendship] because few experience it.” He then goes on to give something of a historical-philosophical reason for this. But a quick web search shows me that Friendship is highly valued and even hungered for, and that many people have written about how to make friends and deepen friendships. But let’s give Lewis a break here, shall we? History and philosophy have moved on from his day – which is not to say “progressed” – and his time and culture are not identical with our own. Furthermore, he does a better job of showing how to make friends and deepen friendships than anybody I’ve read on the subject.

The funny thing is, he does this by writing about the nature of friendship, not by writing advice to people who want to make friends. First of all he distinguishes between Friends and mere Companions, what we would probably call “close friends” and “friends or acquaintances” respectively-a distinction that would indeed make Friendship rare. Then he states, “Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden)….All who share [this common interest] will be our companions; but one or two or three who share something more will be our Friends.” That is all there is to making friends, really.

Much of the advice that I dug up on the internet, even from usually reputable sources, seemed shallow, contrived and a little, well, pathetic. This last adjective is used by Lewis to describe those who are desperate to make friends, but never can. Because Friendship comes about not by seeking Friends, but by seeking something else and finding someone else on the same quest. “Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be ‘I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend,’ no Friendship can arise….There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers.”

If you accept Lewis’s analysis about how Friendships arise and try to fashion it into some advice for making Friends, it would seem to be this: do what you enjoy doing, and talk about what interests you. In the process you will find some Companions and a few Friends. Why then, if it's so simple, does there seem to such a hunger for Friendship? I will write more on this, but at this time your input is encouraged.